People close to a local man have expressed their fear that the start of the 'End Times' as prophesied in the bible and other religious texts has occurred thanks to the man's application for and subsequent ordination as a minister by the Universal Life Church. Despite these assertions however, the man sees his good fortune as a sign of awesome new opportunities and business cards, not necessarily as a harbinger of impending judgment for all mankind.
Fate first led the man to seek ordination while at work where he accidentally discovered on Wikipedia that Sheryl Crow was one of many famous people who was a minister with the Church. Intrigued and especially bored with performing any tasks related to the job he was hired to do, he searched on and learned of the Church's almost universal ordination of any applicant. Feeling that he had nothing to lose and enticed with the potential to add Rev. to his name, the five-minute online questionnaire was completed, submitted and then just as quickly forgotten.
Some weeks later, the man received a confirmation email from the Church to expect his credentials within the next few days. With joy, he immediately began advising close friends and family that he would soon be able to perform marriages, oversee pet funerals, regular funerals and administer confession. He went a step further by offering these services for an amazing low price of $5.00 each or five for $20.00. Preparation for the man's new role as spiritual guide and shepherd to the masses took precedence to everything else and he began to use of phrases like 'yes, my son' and 'I shall smite thee' multiple times per day. Countless hours were also dedicated to the repeated watching of 'religious' movies such as The Ten Commandments, Oh God, Oh God Book II, and All Dogs Go to Heaven. An attempt to learn 'killer' speaking and motivational skills from the likes of Joel Osteen was also made, however he changed the channel back to Law and Order SVU after about four minutes.
The unceremonious beginning of the man's tenure as 'most reverend' took place in front of the man's mailbox yesterday when he opened a nondescript white envelope notifying him of his status. Later that same day, the man launched the web site, Absolutions-R-us.Com to help promote his new capabilities. One gig has already been booked in advance thanks to the man's 7 year old daughter who prepaid $5.00 for the burial services of Ralph, the family's pet hamster (for whenever it dies).
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