Area Delivery Boy Officially Upgraded to Delivery Man Today

HARLINGEN, TX -

Local long time Express Pizza delivery boy, Bradley Chapman will at long last achieve a dream that he has been anticipating since he was still a junior in high school. Today Chapman will officially be honored with the status as pizza delivery man.

"I have so many people to thank. Mainly my parents for having me in the first place and for the federal goverment, of course for defining a 'man' as an adult male at least 18 years old", Chapman said.

Chapman will now benefit from all the powers and responsibilities bestowed on his fellow pizza delivery men and he is ready for the duty assigned to him on this momentous occasion. "First, I'd like to say that as a pizza delivery boy my role in society was limited although my potential for greatness was only hidden from view behind a cloak of youngness", Chapman remarked. "Now as a pizza delivery man my horizons are, in fact limitless. In addition to my duty to ensure that each customer receive a piping hot pizza to order within 30-minutes-or-less-or-it's-free, my new position as delivery man dictates that I might need to start shaving once or twice a week. In addition, I can now legally run the dough mixer. I know I'm ready, though. I've been working toward this day since I was born. Let's do this thing!"

While Chapman is excited about attaining the coveted level reserved for a only a select few million other delivery boys thoughout the world each year, he is not allowing the honor to go to his head. "I just want to get on my scooter and keep fighting traffic like I've been doing and be a good example for the delivery boys out there who will be looking up to me as a person with answers to questions. Questions like how to keep from getting shot by some random gang member for the $5.00 in change I carry or how to avoid getting beat up by an angry husband who comes home to find his wife is taking delivery of more than just a pepperoni pizza."

Surely, this moment will be the crowning achievement in Chapman's life and a positive indicator of his future. His aspirations are numerous and he is already making plans for his next big goal. "I guess I'll go vote or something first and then who knows? If I work real hard and never stop pushing myself to make things happen for me, when I'm 21 I know I can discover a way to drink beer just about wherever I want without having to worry about getting busted by the cops."

Facebook 'Friendship' Based Solely on Mutual 'Like' of Beef Jerky

HARLINGEN, TX -

A local man has established a new Facebook friendship based entirely on the mutual like of Oberto brand Natural Style Peppered Beef Jerky sources discovered on Wednesday.

A Facebook user for nearly 9 months, 43 year old area resident Jorge Tamez considers himself a casual user of the service at best, however family and friends are growing more concerned with recent and unusual trends in his Facebooking habits and are beginning to suspect that the allure of the website with all its amazingly worthless, timewasting elements is becoming an unhealthy distraction. "I'm not sure what to make of him 'friending' someone just because they also 'liked' this beef jerky product", Tamez's wife Lisa said during a telephone interview. "He must really have too much time on his hands. I had to listen to him go on and on the other day about how he had found someone [on Facebook] that also revered the 'delicious taste and exceptional value' of [Oberto brand beef jerky] and that he thought he had finally found his 'soul mate'. What the hell is that all about?" 

Tamez's behavior has led his wife to suspect that there is definitely much more going on than meets the eye. "The other day I startled him when I walked into our bedroom while he was on the computer. He had a chat window open and although he tried to close it quickly, I could make out the word, 'jerky' several times before he was able to block my view. He tried to cover it up by saying he was looking for a good deal on a condo on South Padre [Island] or some nonsense like that. Who does he think he's kidding? He never takes me anywhere."

Later that night, Tamez was overheard having a spirited conversation in his sleep about how the 1/4 lb. bag [of beef jerky] is the perfect snack option for those on the go or just relaxing at home.