Former Housekeeper Blamed for Missing Psych DVDs

HARLINGEN, TX -

Allen Fox opened a recently purchased DVD box set on Wednesday afternoon to begin what he planned as an exciting, eleven hour Psych season four marathon only to discover that three of the four discs were missing.

After staring at and considering the nearly empty box for a moment he then firmly laid blame on his former housekeeper despite the fact that she has not worked for the retired, 77 year old former bible salesman since April and moved to Michigan a short time after leaving his employment.

The housekeeper in question is 44 year old Mari whose last name was never learned, who apparently had six or ten children or something like that and lived in a van down by the river, according to Fox.  She was also said to have appreciated Cheese Nips and things that were easily concealed.  The DVD set purchased in early August is just the latest victim of the housekeeper's supposed thieving ways.  Since her final departure last Spring, she has been accused of stealing a 20 year old cassette player, a pair of headphones, a gallon on milk, one blue sock, one black sock and about 74 cents in change that Fox swears he 'just left right there on the counter five minutes ago.'  Although he suspected that things were being stolen by Mari while employed, Fox has yet to discover what exactly, if anything was taken. He is certain, however that she somehow continues to steal things from him on an almost daily basis even though he hasn't seen her for almost six months.

Communication had been an ongoing problem during her three week stint as Fox's housekeeper.  Mari was finally terminated soon after the non-Spanish speaking Fox finally became fed up with her failure to understand essential phrases in English such as 'clean the grout in the shower' or 'stop looking at me like that.' Both of which she would never do.  His patience had been wearing thin for a number of days before the termination as well thanks to Mari routinely blasting novellas at full volume while she ironed his clothes. Fox attested that he clearly pointed at the television and wagged his finger at her on numerous occasions expressly forbidding its use.

The ongoing mystery will certainly be a preoccupation for Fox well into the foreseeable future since there seems to be no shortage of items that Mari won't steal from him.  Fox's immediate plans are to take additional precautions such as the placement of at least 30 rat traps in main hallways and near doors to help alert him of the housekeepers presence in addition to keeping the phone with him at all times and the local Border Patrol on speed dial.

Dollar Tree Now Featuring Timeless Works of Clay Aiken!

HARLINGEN, TX -

Local Dollar Tree customers and fans alike are finally being rewarded for their patience with the epic arrival today of Clay Aiken's milestone literary masterpiece, "Learning to Sing" more than four years after its initial release.

The promise of the timeless wisdom and marvelous, pithy anecdotes delivered direct from the mind of the heralded musical genius has lead to lines forming more than a week ago and stretch for hundreds of people at all Dollar Tree stores around the Valley.  Additionally, since each copy will only cost $1.00 plus applicable local sales tax, it is a fantastic, unheard of once in a lifetime bargain for such a tome of universal acclaim that is unequaled in both its vision and outright demand.

Local Dollar Tree management and law enforcement officials have been keeping a close eye on the huge, swelling masses of people congregating around the retail locations this week in anticipation of the book's arrival.  Traffic in many cases has been snarled to the point of gridlock as swarms of people have clogged parking lots and nearby streets in an attempt to be one of the lucky few to snatch up one of the last eight million copies of the book.

Despite the docile and effeminate nature of the hoards waiting in the long lines, some fights have broken out at a few of Dollar Tree's nine Valley stores.  From most reports, the fights seem limited to hair pulling and scratching between people who are suffering from exhaustion and general lack of fabulousness due to the days of waiting  outside exposed to the elements.  Aside from a dozen claims of hurt feelings, no serious casualties have resulted thus far.

Today promises to be a day that will become legend for Valley residents as school districts and businesses alike have agreed to remain closed to allow employees and students the opportunity to become one of the lucky fans to obtain a copy of the book.

Dollar Tree locations around the Valley will open today at 10am.

After 8 Years of Hot Water, Local Family to Try Cold for a While

HARLINGEN, TX -

After more than 8 years of enjoying the modern convenience of instantly available hot water, a local family is now coming to terms with the fact that their immediate future will be luke warm at best.

The Baker family of Harlingen first began noticing signs of what was to come when their water heater began malfunctioning more than 18 months ago.  The daily need to reset the breaker on the appliance located in their garage became accepted routine after several weeks beginning in March of 2009.  About 12 months after the first signs of trouble, chunks of rust and reddish-brown water began to flow freely from the bottom of the heater and seeping at an alarming rate from other parts as well. However obvious, these clear warning signs were disregarded in large part because the water was still being heated.

Although it was generally accepted that the water heater's life span had been surpassed, no effort on the part of the family was made to plan or save the minimum $512.00 needed for an eventual replacement and installation.  In fact, while funds were readily available during the critical first days following the initial malfunction the money was used instead to take at least two trips to San Antonio where the family enjoyed touring the city, having a fun time at Splash Town and 'kicking it' with Shamu at Sea World.  Much needed capital was also squandered as a result of the 2010 'Netbooks for Everyone' buying frenzy that took place in February.

Unavoidably, the water heater finally ceased to operate entirely on or about August 25th and was discovered thanks in part to the river of water gushing down the driveway from inside the garage.  It was immediately suspected that the bottom had finally given way completely and after a brief examination it was confirmed. Water and power were both shut off to the now-deceased heater for a final time.  Shortly thereafter, phone calls to both Home Depot and Lowes Home Improvement uncovered the meticulously avoided truth: water heaters are expensive.  Considering the impact on the family, it was decided to see how long the children complained about showering with cold water and washing the dishes by hand before moving forward with the sizable purchase; originally decided because a Rush concert was coming up soon and money would be needed for the trip. Since it was still effectively summertime, it was hoped that the water pipes that ran across the ceiling of the house would be warmed by the heat from the attic in the day at least long enough for a few precious seconds of warmth. It turned out to be a fool's hope, but for a time there was hope nonetheless.

Now, over one month later the Baker children no longer mention the shower temperature and the family has settled into a new, hotless-water routine that has become thankfully commonplace saving both precious dollars and the pressing need to spend them.  Sadly, the replacement will have to be installed sooner rather than later given the expected autumn temperature changes, scheduled overnight family visits and the realization that the children no longer consider themselves 'just lucky enough' to have indoor plumbing.

Local Man Still Poses Little Risk of Flooding, Destroying Your Neighborhood

HARLINGEN, TX -

Although similar in name only, local resident Alex Baker bears little resemblance to the hurricane that swept across northern Mexico and delivered several inches of rain to the Rio Grande Valley area earlier this summer.  Despite this fact, people from the immediate area surrounding Alex Baker are still concerned about any potential that he might have himself of flooding the neighborhood and causing any severe wind related damage to their homes.

Hurricane Alex blew ashore on June 30th as a category 2 dumping over 12 inches of rain in some areas and drove thousands of local Valley residents into shelters and hundreds from their flooding homes.  Weeks after the storm passed the effects were still being endured by many unfortunate residents who's homes and land were still under water.  Alex Baker on the other hand has rarely resulted in such widespread displacement of people or remarkable flooding.  Any noticeable wind damage caused as a result of Alex Baker has also been minimal.

Area Man Perfectly Suited for Movie Role as Husband and Father of Two

HARLINGEN, TX -

Bob Underwood has known for years that should Hollywood come calling, he is the best possible choice to fill the role of husband and father of two.

Underwood, a radiator repair mechanic who is not a professionally trained actor, instead promotes his idea of being the absolute best candidate for the role due to his decades of life experience.  "Well, I've been married for twenty years this past July and I have two girls, 12 and 7 so you could say that my life has been training me for this role better than most," Underwood stated.  "Plus, I was an extra in this production of Li'l Abner my senior year of high school which would probably help out also, even if those jerks forgot to put my name in the program."  When asked about his long term outlook on securing a part as husband and father of two, Underwood put it simply.  "I don't know who else those Hollywood casting people could want.  The pain and suffering I have had to endure over the years as a real-life husband and father of two will really jump off the screen and into your face. No one could ask for more."

As optimistic as Underwood is about his chances of securing the role he was born to play, he has no plans to pursue it.  "Yeah, maybe if I got a call from someone who was looking I might audition.  Then again, I sort of have my hands full with radiator flushes lately," Underwood said.  "Either way, no production that included a character of husband and father of two would be complete without me. I might have to do it just to keep the movie from tanking at the box office."