I know it was embarrassing, but I don't think less of you for failing to abduct me last night. Maybe it was your first time. Perhaps you were homesick and missing your family an extra big amount. Perhaps you were just tired. Whatever the case, please don't blame yourself. I want you to know that it's not your fault.
No doubt your alien race probably had to travel hundreds of light years just to get here to begin with. That's quite a hike no matter which galaxy you’re from and who knows the kind of time and planning you had to put together for the journey. Maybe you didn't even want to come to this planet in the first place and were forced into it because it was your turn to look for specimens to use as hosts for your alien-human crossbreeding experiments. I'll bet you find turning cows inside out and making crop circles tedious and unimaginative. Plus, you couldn't expect a regular human to be considerate of your feelings outright. I mean, how could we? Seems to me that your huge gray head, tiny body and over sized black, lidless eyes might give most people the wrong impression. We don't even know each other or speak the same language but I am sensitive enough to tell there's more to you than just what's on the surface and I understand.
The night you tried to take me, I could tell immediately that you weren't really cut out for the whole abduction business anyway. I could sense that your heart wasn't in it (if your species have hearts) because from the very beginning you weren't too rough or overly aggressive when you tried to drag me out of my car on that dark, deserted farm road near the dog track. Even before that, I saw how sensitive you were to the human aversion to bright light the way you avoided shining those pulsating blue beams directly into my eyes as you landed your flying saucer in the middle of the road. You also seemed to give up very easily after my kick to your face and as I screamed like an 8 year old girl. After you tore yourself loose from me as I bit your thin, gray arm I watched as you ran away back to your ship making some kind of squealing noise and immediately felt sorry that we had gotten off to such a bad start. Sadly, before I could get my handgun out of the glove compartment to show you that I meant no harm, you had already sped off in your ship and left for parts unknown.
My lingering wish is that you don't feel bad that it didn't work out. Whatever the reason for your failure to abduct me, it is my sincerest hope that this evening will bring with it the promise of endless possibilities of people to take and do stuff to. My best advice is that you just remember to be yourself, have a can-do attitude and never give up. Who knows? With enough practice you might become the best alien abductor from your planet if that's what you want. Live your life the way you want to live it and believe in your potential. Also, don't get caught up in being a conquering alien storm-trooper if what you would really like to do is study art, or learn to play the violin. Do what you want to do. Follow your dreams and you'll best just fine. The secret is positive thinking. Try self-actualizing; think of yourself as being that which you hope to become and maybe do some yoga or zumba out any stress to some cool dance tracks by Rianna or Jennifer Lopez.
No doubt your alien race probably had to travel hundreds of light years just to get here to begin with. That's quite a hike no matter which galaxy you’re from and who knows the kind of time and planning you had to put together for the journey. Maybe you didn't even want to come to this planet in the first place and were forced into it because it was your turn to look for specimens to use as hosts for your alien-human crossbreeding experiments. I'll bet you find turning cows inside out and making crop circles tedious and unimaginative. Plus, you couldn't expect a regular human to be considerate of your feelings outright. I mean, how could we? Seems to me that your huge gray head, tiny body and over sized black, lidless eyes might give most people the wrong impression. We don't even know each other or speak the same language but I am sensitive enough to tell there's more to you than just what's on the surface and I understand.
The night you tried to take me, I could tell immediately that you weren't really cut out for the whole abduction business anyway. I could sense that your heart wasn't in it (if your species have hearts) because from the very beginning you weren't too rough or overly aggressive when you tried to drag me out of my car on that dark, deserted farm road near the dog track. Even before that, I saw how sensitive you were to the human aversion to bright light the way you avoided shining those pulsating blue beams directly into my eyes as you landed your flying saucer in the middle of the road. You also seemed to give up very easily after my kick to your face and as I screamed like an 8 year old girl. After you tore yourself loose from me as I bit your thin, gray arm I watched as you ran away back to your ship making some kind of squealing noise and immediately felt sorry that we had gotten off to such a bad start. Sadly, before I could get my handgun out of the glove compartment to show you that I meant no harm, you had already sped off in your ship and left for parts unknown.
My lingering wish is that you don't feel bad that it didn't work out. Whatever the reason for your failure to abduct me, it is my sincerest hope that this evening will bring with it the promise of endless possibilities of people to take and do stuff to. My best advice is that you just remember to be yourself, have a can-do attitude and never give up. Who knows? With enough practice you might become the best alien abductor from your planet if that's what you want. Live your life the way you want to live it and believe in your potential. Also, don't get caught up in being a conquering alien storm-trooper if what you would really like to do is study art, or learn to play the violin. Do what you want to do. Follow your dreams and you'll best just fine. The secret is positive thinking. Try self-actualizing; think of yourself as being that which you hope to become and maybe do some yoga or zumba out any stress to some cool dance tracks by Rianna or Jennifer Lopez.
I recommend reading some great books by Wes Hall also. He's a great motivational speaker-guy who may have a lot to offer. For that matter, maybe you could abduct him then while you and your friends are probing him anally you can just casually get some expert tips. My brother in law used to work at a convenience store, but after going to one of Wes Hall's seminars on positive thinking he makes more money selling used furniture now than he ever did mopping floors. So anyway, as awkward as things went this evening I just want to wish you the best of luck with your goals. Perhaps someday we'll meet again under different circumstances, like maybe at Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday night? We could share a laugh about this and a couple of 22 ouncers. The even have Blue Moon on tap.
