Just So You Aren't Surprised When the Cops Arrest Me, I'm a Serial Killer, by Bobby Lee Stevens

Guest Editorial:  Bobby Lee Stevens is the manager for a local discount store,  part time children's entertainer and a wanted serial killer in three states.

Hi there.  It's Bobby from down the street. How have you been doing?  Work been treating you okay lately? That's good.  Hope the knee is feeling better after that racquetball game we played a couple of months ago.  It is?  Awesome.  I heard that your daughter is taking karate lessons and your wife mentioned the other day that you had some family down from Chicago last weekend to visit.  That's nice.

Hey, you know we've been neighbors now for almost four years now and I feel like we get along pretty well. We've shared more than one barbecue together and drank our share of beers in your driveway. I especially remember that time I ran out of gas about a block from home and you drove by, saw me there and offered to go get a gallon of go-juice from the Circle K so I could get back to the house.  You did that for me and I was grateful. No matter the circumstances, I can always count on you to be there to pick up the paper and the mail when I'm out of town and keep an eye on my place.  I'd say that out of everyone on the block that I know, I'd call you my closest neighbor.  You know what I mean?  Well, not physically anyway.  I do live seven houses down, but you understand right?  Super. That's pretty much why I wanted you to know that when the cops finally come breaking down my door to arrest me for murdering and dismembering 17 people you won't be surprised to find out that I'm a serial killer.

From your expression, I can tell you are stunned and sort of hoping that I am just joking around.  I had a feeling this would happen.  Hey, where are you going?  Don't run away!  This won't take but a minute, I promise.  Look, this is really hard for me to tell you because I consider you a good friend, okay?  I have been working up the courage to come over here for two days.  Listen, I'm not armed or anything so just please just hear me out and I'll go.  Whatever the case, I really hope we can still go work out next Tuesday at the gym. I hear they got the new stair master in last week. Is it a deal? Great. All right, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, I was telling you how I sneak up behind people and strangle them with piano wire until they stop moving.

See, it's not that I didn't want to try and keep it a secret. I think I've been doing a great job of it up to now.  I keep up my yard.  I'm social. I'm even a highly respected member of the Optimist Club here in town for God's sake.  I make lots of meaningful contacts with parents and kids through my side business as a clown. Go to church on Sunday. Hell, I've even bought 50 bucks worth of Girl Scout cookies from your kids even though I'm diabetic and had to throw all of them in the trash.  Everything I've tried to do is what you would think a nice, sane and normal person would do.  I go out of my way to be nice to puppies and kittens, donate to the food bank and have sponsored the Dollar Store little league team for three years running. I certainly have given no one any reason to suspect my lust for taking lives in gruesome ways scarcely imaginable.  I guess that's why I felt obligated to go ahead and let you know about my dark side.  Not to scare you, but more to save you from the shock of finding out on the nightly news the day I get carted away by the police. I care about you that much. Why are you shaking? Are you cold? Here take my jacket.

You see, my concern is all those other serial killer neighbors you see on TV.  They always say without fail that 'he seemed normal' or 'I can't believe we're talking about the same person' or even 'he was just in my house last weekend'.  That's my point, really. I feel close enough to you to tell you the truth so you and I can work past it and be prepared for those nosy reporters when the come knocking. It's probably better that you know now that I shower with the blood of my victims on nights when the moon is full and keep the toes and fingers of those I have helped to die in a cedar chest in my basement.  You remember that chest?  The one you said you though looked nice that one time last summer? Yep, there are body parts in it. See, you would have never guessed.  Some people suffer from some kind of traumatic syndrome if their cable goes off the air let alone finding out that the neighbor they had over for lasagna last month prefers the taste of warm, human flesh instead. Let's just say I didn't want to take any chances.

So, we're cool right?  Why aren't you saying anything?  You don't look so good. Let me help you into your house so you can lie down for a minute.  Gosh, I sure hope you're not catching the flu.  Hey, since I'm here would you mind if I stayed for dinner? Whatever your wife is cooking smells great.

Alabama to Take Delivery of Special Version Apple IPAD

Montgomery, AL-

Governor Robert J. Bentley (R) achieved a milestone this week when he confirmed that Apple, Inc. the company responsible for such ubiquitous devices like the Ipod and Iphone would produce a special version of it's hugely popular Ipad mobile computing device designed specifically for use by residents of his state.

Surrounded by his staff and legislators, Bentley made the news public on the capitol steps.  "After months of working closely with Apple, I can now proudly announce that we Alabamians will now be able to take part in the mobile electronics revolution!  Apple has really come through for us and for that, we are eternally grateful," Bentley said. "While so many others cast our needs aside, Apple took the time to understand our people and closely considered their capabilities as well as their limitations. God bless you,  Steve Jobs. May you live to be a thousand years old."

Details about the special version Ipad are still sketchy since the product specifications have been kept top secret from all but a select few.  The first shipment of the custom device is not expected for about two weeks, but some basic information has been leaked in recent days.  An anonymous source within the governor's office confirmed on Wednesday that this particular Ipad will utilize solar power instead of battery power - a feature not even considered as feasible for the traditional version.  The source also confirmed that it will be lighter, much more portable and will not require a long learning curve.  "From what I was told, even a child will be able to pick it up and begin using it within seconds, as long as the user is standing under the sun or near a strong light source. I've also been advised that it is even capable of being stored in a shirt pocket. How do you like that regular Ipad owners?  Ha!"  As for the intense fanfare generated since the announcement, "I haven't seen this much excitement since 1994 when the state finally repealed the law against marrying your sister," the source concluded.

Headache and Pain Center Really Living Up to Name

MISSION, TX -



The Headache and Pain Center is certainly living up to it's name this week for a local health plan employee thanks to a breakdown in relations that has lead to bitterness, frustration and outright disdain for the pain management practice.

The irony was not lost on Delia Ruiz, provider representative for Bravo Health Care as numerous attempts to assist the medical office employees with supposed prior authorization entanglements led nowhere. "I have always had at least a decent relationship with those people, but lately everyone over there are acting like total jerks," Ruiz said.

"Despite my best efforts, the girls working in the billing department just don't get it.  How many times do I have to tell them that we cannot approve services without obtaining Forms 838, 993 and S119 along with a list of CPT codes involved as a result of the initial diagnosis first?" Ruiz asked rhetorically.  "Are they stupid? We already went over this crap a million times.  It's not my fault if their brains don't function normally."

Signs that trouble was brewing have been building for weeks as Ruiz' working relationship with office personnel has deteriorated thanks to key staff turnover at the local pain center.  "Once I called over there to see how things were going and I was told that Debbie left to go work for another doctor," Ruiz remembers.  "I tried to set up a meeting with her replacement only to be told that the Headache and Pain Center wasn't even a provider with our plan.  They've been contracted for six years!  I have to say that Debbie was probably smart for leaving that circus, but she was the only one who was ever seriously committed to our processes."

The situation has left Ruiz with little recourse.  "I'm going to have to fight to train all these barely educated knuckle-draggers all over again even though most have already attended our provider training at least twice already.  Without Debbie to keep everyone in line, it's like I was never there in the first place," Ruiz fumed. "I found out that her replacement is like, the doctor's brother in-law or something so right off the bat you know that I'm totally screwed.  Everyone knows that once family members get involved in the day to day operations of a medical practice, you can just toss any hope of compliance out the window.  This sucks."

Ruiz grudgingly concedes that since the Headache and Pain Center is the only pain management provider in the area, that she'll have little choice but to deal with the situation.  "I suppose I'll have to just soldier on somehow, but it won't happen without taking its toll on me physically," Ruiz said with an exasperated look.  "As a matter of fact, I have an appointment with my family physician this afternoon and I'm going to demand a handful of dihydromorphinone or at the very least a few hits of Percocet.  It's the only way I'm going to make it through the next few days. With my luck though, I'll just bet he's going to refer me over to the Headache and Pain Center for treatment."

Local Man to Add Meat

HARLINGEN, TX -

Taking his direction from the front of a box of Pasta Roni, 73 year-old area resident Burt Myers will enthusiastically comply and add meat to the contents of the $1.29 package of Parmesan cheese-flavored noodles and seasoning tonight.

Mr. Myers has a long and storied history of taking the advice of labels presented on products and is proud of blindly following the recommendations he encounters regularly without question or hesitation. 

"I believe it is a very important element of managing my life by doing whatever is printed on the products I buy. Whether that be a box of noodles or a bottle of shampoo. It's how I stay centered. If it wasn't for my benefit, why would they put those words there in the first place?"  Myers said.  "If a box tells me to add meat, by God I'm going to add meat.  If it says, lather-rinse-repeat I'm going to follow through until the entire bottle is empty.  End of story." 

Thanks to the thoughtful placement of suggestions on products, Myers  feels that he has lived a richer, more meaningful life in which he has been allowed to be freed from many decisions he would have otherwise had to make on his own. "These product manufacturers understand my needs," Myers concludes. "I can't imagine what a shambles things would be for me if I was forced to stand over my stove and ponder my choices.  I don't like to think about it."

Plans have already been made to add chicken tomorrow night as directed by another box of Pasta Roni.