Hi there. It's Bobby from down the street. How have you been doing? Work been treating you okay lately? That's good. Hope the knee is feeling better after that racquetball game we played a couple of months ago. It is? Awesome. I heard that your daughter is taking karate lessons and your wife mentioned the other day that you had some family down from Chicago last weekend to visit. That's nice.
Hey, you know we've been neighbors now for almost four years now and I feel like we get along pretty well. We've shared more than one barbecue together and drank our share of beers in your driveway. I especially remember that time I ran out of gas about a block from home and you drove by, saw me there and offered to go get a gallon of go-juice from the Circle K so I could get back to the house. You did that for me and I was grateful. No matter the circumstances, I can always count on you to be there to pick up the paper and the mail when I'm out of town and keep an eye on my place. I'd say that out of everyone on the block that I know, I'd call you my closest neighbor. You know what I mean? Well, not physically anyway. I do live seven houses down, but you understand right? Super. That's pretty much why I wanted you to know that when the cops finally come breaking down my door to arrest me for murdering and dismembering 17 people you won't be surprised to find out that I'm a serial killer.
From your expression, I can tell you are stunned and sort of hoping that I am just joking around. I had a feeling this would happen. Hey, where are you going? Don't run away! This won't take but a minute, I promise. Look, this is really hard for me to tell you because I consider you a good friend, okay? I have been working up the courage to come over here for two days. Listen, I'm not armed or anything so just please just hear me out and I'll go. Whatever the case, I really hope we can still go work out next Tuesday at the gym. I hear they got the new stair master in last week. Is it a deal? Great. All right, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was telling you how I sneak up behind people and strangle them with piano wire until they stop moving.
See, it's not that I didn't want to try and keep it a secret. I think I've been doing a great job of it up to now. I keep up my yard. I'm social. I'm even a highly respected member of the Optimist Club here in town for God's sake. I make lots of meaningful contacts with parents and kids through my side business as a clown. Go to church on Sunday. Hell, I've even bought 50 bucks worth of Girl Scout cookies from your kids even though I'm diabetic and had to throw all of them in the trash. Everything I've tried to do is what you would think a nice, sane and normal person would do. I go out of my way to be nice to puppies and kittens, donate to the food bank and have sponsored the Dollar Store little league team for three years running. I certainly have given no one any reason to suspect my lust for taking lives in gruesome ways scarcely imaginable. I guess that's why I felt obligated to go ahead and let you know about my dark side. Not to scare you, but more to save you from the shock of finding out on the nightly news the day I get carted away by the police. I care about you that much. Why are you shaking? Are you cold? Here take my jacket.
You see, my concern is all those other serial killer neighbors you see on TV. They always say without fail that 'he seemed normal' or 'I can't believe we're talking about the same person' or even 'he was just in my house last weekend'. That's my point, really. I feel close enough to you to tell you the truth so you and I can work past it and be prepared for those nosy reporters when the come knocking. It's probably better that you know now that I shower with the blood of my victims on nights when the moon is full and keep the toes and fingers of those I have helped to die in a cedar chest in my basement. You remember that chest? The one you said you though looked nice that one time last summer? Yep, there are body parts in it. See, you would have never guessed. Some people suffer from some kind of traumatic syndrome if their cable goes off the air let alone finding out that the neighbor they had over for lasagna last month prefers the taste of warm, human flesh instead. Let's just say I didn't want to take any chances.
So, we're cool right? Why aren't you saying anything? You don't look so good. Let me help you into your house so you can lie down for a minute. Gosh, I sure hope you're not catching the flu. Hey, since I'm here would you mind if I stayed for dinner? Whatever your wife is cooking smells great.
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