Local Cat Forecast: Extremely Lazy With a 90% Chance of Hairball

This is your 24 hour cat forecast for: Harlingen, TX

Predicted is widespread laziness tonight and into tomorrow with a significant chance of hairball tomorrow afternoon. Things will start to get frisky around sunset tomorrow night, but should start to calm down and return to sheer laziness by midnight.  Some light meowing should be expected on and off throughout the day tomorrow.

Turbo Sticker Not Fooling Anyone

HARLINGEN, TX -

A silver, plastic 'Turbo' badge purchased from the Wal Mart automotive department by a local man nearly a year ago is still not fooling anyone, witnesses report.

Andrew Sherman the owner of a white, 2004 Hyundai Elantra originally obtained the badge for three dollars from a clearance shelf citing the potential coolness factor and the idea that few people that ended up behind him in traffic would know that Hyundai has never built a turbo model Elantra.  Additionally, he continues to believe that somehow he is looked upon by random strangers as being a 'hip and with-it dude' for having a supposed Turbo-enhanced Elantra, an assertion that is completely baseless, unrealistic and absolutely ridiculous, according to a recent survey..

Sherman has on many occasions driven the Elantra at speeds of more than 90mph on the expressway, punched the gas pedal when taking off from traffic lights and has even performed dangerous stunts in the car through school zones all with the idea that he needs to live up to the Turbo badge's promise.  Thus far his efforts have been fruitless as a poll taken this week of people who have seen his car will attest. In fact, of the 11 people who have ever actually taken any sort of notice of the Turbo badge, not one fell for the lie believing instead that [Sherman] is a sad little man who likes to waste money and has way to much time on his hands and probably has never known the touch of a woman. The opinions of those surveyed seem to bear out since Sherman readily admits that he drove 8 miles in a special trip to Wal Mart specifically for the badge and used the last three dollars in his daughter's piggy bank to fund the purchase.

Regardless of the facts, Sherman clearly needs the badge to help support his delusions and to fulfill some other and as yet unknown personal need for attention.  It was also learned recently that plans are being made to buy a "5.0" sticker soon from his neighborhood AutoZone.

Hello Kitty Jam Box Saves the Day

HARLINGEN, TX -

A Harlingen High School dance camp performance was saved Saturday morning by a Hello Kitty jam box when the $62,000 custom Mitsubishi 10,000 watt XB8000 20.1 sound system normally used to play music during the Bright Star dance team performances unexpectedly failed right before the finale.

Parents had begun gathering nearly an hour earlier to grab the best seats to watch daughters ages 5 to 8 show off the skills they had learned during the three-hour camp led by the Bright Stars. Excitement was the in the air and anticipation built to a fever pitch as the time grew closer to unleash the power of the Mitsubishi.  The crowd then erupted in cheers and applause as the first of many popular tracks exploded from the monolithic towers of sound as the girls shucked and jived their way across the wooden gym floor.

The Mitsubishi sound system is the only one of its kind within 500 miles of Harlingen and the only one to be installed in a public school in the entire United States after an anonymous grant from a private individual last year made the purchase possible.  Considered an amazing piece of technology by any measure, witnesses were blown away at the bass response as the program thundered to life with an extended mega mix version of Madonna's "Vogue" followed by Lady Gaga's "Alejandro".  Booming sound waves nearly shook the fillings out of teeth and at least one man's eyes welled up with tears at the awesome range that the enormous 7 foot tall speakers provided. Some said later on that it was as close to a religious experience as they had ever had and were seen crossing themselves repeatedly.

The exhibition was to be topped off with a stunning finale featuring the Bright Stars dance team, a group of seasoned, award-winning Harlingen high school dancers, but shortly before their routine was about to kick off an unknown malfunction with the system caused the entire exposition to crash to an absolute standstill.  Due to the complex nature of the XB8000, it quickly became obvious that there was no hope in diagnosing the cause of the failure by school staff.  Thanks to some quick action however, all was not lost.

A 25 watt Hello Kitty jam box was hastily produced from a dirty gym bag laying close by and plugged into the nearest power outlet.  CD inserted and volume cranked, a far-away and tinny sounding version of what may have been the Black Eyed Peas famous single "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" squeaked forth from the $19.99 noise-making machine as the girls began what was to have been a performance that brought the house down.  Despite the excellent effort by the Bright Stars that ensued, the crowd had grown uncomfortably quiet and the smell of despair hung thickly in the air.  The sound of sobbing echoed throughout the gym and it seemed that without the Mitsubishi, any reason to care about the event had been lost entirely.

Once the finale had come to a merciful end, a random moment of half-hearted clapping followed. The crowd then began to break up, making their way down from the bleachers and out of the school with heads hung low and devoid of any facial expression.  There would be no smiling or celebration as they shuffled back to their cars with their children in tow only to drive away in a somber procession with their headlights on.