Horizon Inn is the Best Place to Stay!, by James Bronson

GUEST EDITORIAL:  James Bronson is a former Special Education teacher with the Rio Hondo school district, a prisoner at Belford Lakes Correctional Facility and a registered sex offender.

Sometimes the unexpected happens and your eye is drawn to something delicious and tempting; off limits and desirable in a way that makes you feel alive in a way you've never felt or could have expected. Sometimes you cannot refuse to act on your passions and then sometimes the unexpected is having no choice but to reside at the same nearby fleabag hotel where you destroyed the innocence of a child. 

Since I live within 5 miles of this particular hotel, my plans would have never included staying here at the Horizon Inn under any ordinary circumstances, but I found it a comfort to have accessible after my wife kicked me out for having carnal relations with an under-aged student there repeatedly over a 6 month period; a period of time during which I gave in to the  inner rage of my burning, sadistic lust.

After my highly-publicized arrest, this hotel certainly proved a very capable place to house me while I awaited trial on multiple charges of sexual assault of a minor. It offered everything I needed:  solid walls, a floor, tv to watch ongoing media coverage about me and of course critical restroom facilities where I would end up spending some of my darkest hours either balled up in the fetal position under the sink or in the spacious bathtub or simply just hunched over the vanity staring blankly into the lavatory mirror asking myself countless times how I could have ever been so stupid.  Anywho, the great hourly/daily/weekly rates were a plus since I had been fired from my teaching position and had no real source of income as did they help me keep my budget in check during my conquest of a student whom, through her mental handicaps and physical disabilities, had trusted me to care for her as an educator and mentor.  It should also be noted that the security locks on the inside of the door worked beyond expectations especially after the girls' father and various other enraged family members found out where I was staying and came to take my head off with a variety of rusty blades and other creative bludgeoning devices.

A lesser hotel may not have installed as robust of a chain or deadbolt, but seemingly with me in mind the Horizon Inn invested in top quality protection for its guests that ended up allowing me to continue to be an ongoing social pariah. I remained alive and intact although at what cost?  Thankfully, the entire ordeal is behind me now as I was found quite guilty and sentenced to 12 years in prison. Although doubtful, if I do indeed end up surviving my incarceration, I hope I can count on another great stay at the Horizon Inn.

Valley Man 'Definitely' Groped During Severe Hail Storm

McAllen, TX

Mark Ashford is one of the thousands of Hildalgo county residents waking up today faced with the daunting task of cleaning up after last night's epic hail storm. A storm that not only left widespread damage to hundreds of homes and vehicles throughout the metro area, but also has left Ashford emotionally compromied as he struggles to deal with an unwanted groping perpetrated by an as yet unknown assailant in his own home.


Ashford recounts details of his experience.  "I can't quite explain how it could have even happened. I just remember the lights suddenly went off and everything turned pitch black. There I was on my divan all alone and vulnerable in the living room as the sound of hail pummeled the roof and the cars on the street. The wind howled like a freight train and was absolutely deafening.  My first thought was that I needed to find a light,"  Ashford recalls.  "So I got up and was immediately startled when I heard a window shatter in the bedroom. Hail was hitting the house like it was being fired from a machine gun and I feared more glass would soon break.  Just then as I was feeling my way along the hallway toward the kitchen a hand that was not my own suddenly reached through the darkness and began aggressively fumbling around for my junk. I swung around wildly in surprise and panic, but without a light source I couldn't see who or what it was if I had wanted to. I was literally blind.  As I tried to put some distance between me and my attacker, I lost my balance and fell head first into a door."

Unable to hear anything over the din of the driving hail downpour just outside, Ashford said that he regained his footing.  Both arms outstretched, he then clumsily hurried down the hall knocking over and breaking various items in his path. He confessed that he was extremely worried that whomever had groped him was still close by and wasn't finished with him yet. Terror swept over him and only after what seemed like an hour of searching, a flashlight was mercifully found in a kitchen drawer. A frantic room by room search ensued, but ultimately turned up nothing causing Ashford to question his perception of  reality.  "I searched the whole house.  All I found was broken glass all over the place and what looked like a fabulous set of boot prints in the hail leading away from my bedroom window," Ashford said. "I can't be sure though and now I don't know what to believe.  Did I imagine the whole thing?  Am I going out of my mind?"

Ashford has few answers and between the unsolicited groping not to mention the sheer magnatude of property damage, emotions are running very hot today.  He admits that he will almost certainly look back on last night with lingering doubt not just about the identity of whom the groper might have been, but about his own sanity.  Ashford also expressed a grave concern over the potential return of this intruder he has dubbed The Hail Storm Groper, if indeed such a person truly exists. One thing is clear. After less than a day since the incident, Ashford has been left feeling dirty, used and violated in a way that he won't soon be able to overcome and will most likely be living in fear for the foreseeable future. "I'm just going to go and take a shower now, ok?"

Area Man Believes World Will End Tomorrow, Has Leaking Pipe Fixed 'Just In Case'

Doomsday Soothsayer Harold Camping

Harlingen, TX

Despite the strongly held belief that the end of the world will take place tomorrow at 6:00pm EST as prophesied by renowned Christian radio host Harold Camping, a local man will go ahead and move forward today with plans to have a leaking water pipe repaired 'just in case'.

Hector Fernandez has been a long time fan of the End Times and has read dozens of books and reports written by religious scholars and mentally unbalanced media types for years.  Despite his sincerest convictions that the latest doomsday prediction posed by Camping is '100% right on the mark this time', the pragmatic Fernandez is under pressure from his wife to hire a plumber to fix a leaking water pipe that broke two days ago and subsequently left the carpet soaked in their living room. "I already called someone to come and have the leak fixed", Fernandez said in an early morning telephone interview.  "My wife promised me that she was going to really be ticked if I didn't take care of it before she got home from work."  Originally, Fernandez was going to forgo doing anything of consequence since it would apparently not matter in the slightest with the doomsday deadline imminent, however his wife obviously had other plans for him. "If you knew her, you would already know how much the smell of moldy carpet enrages her," Fernandez said. "You simply do not want to go there. End of the world or not."

When asked why Fernandez was succumbing to the demand and allowing himself to be committed to such a trivial matter on the eve of Camping's so-called 'May 21, 2011 End of the World Prophesy', his explanation was simple. "I suppose there's a small chance that both she and I will be left here on earth after tomorrow and you can bet that if that is the case, she is going to want a working dishwasher and there is no way I am going to chance pissing her off about this. I'll never hear the end of it," Fernandez said. "She doesn't really believe that the end of the world is upon us like I do, but after about 48 really convincing predictions [about the end of the world] that have come and gone since we got married 21 years ago, this one really feels right, like this time it's really going to happen. At least I am praying that it does," Fernandez said.  "I mean, that lunatic Glen Beck has his own show and Oprah is ending 25 years on her show. Plus, my neighbor's insurance agent's best friend's son read somewhere that Zombie Reagan is terrorizing the California countryside. So there's that." Fernandez reasoned.  "These signs by themselves are just undeniable evidence, dude. For the reals. On top of everything else, my daughter has tasked me with the unforgiving job of painting her bedroom for her birthday and the garage is some kind of disaster area," Fernandez said wistfully.  "So, all I can say is that the world had better end tomorrow, man.  The sooner the better."

Hi, Welcome to Cici's! Will You Please Kill Me Now? by Sydney Olvera

GUEST EDITORIAL:  Sydney Olvera is a college student and employee at Cici's Pizza in Harlingen.

Hi! Welcome to Cici's! Yep, if you've ever been to Cici's Pizza, you have heard that mantra shouted repeatedly during your visit. It's how we let you know that you are welcome and everyone knows that hearing random people shout the same thing over and over again is just what makes for a warm and memorable dining experience; at least that's what they train us to believe in this place.

Now, I don't wish to be ungrateful for the seven bucks and hour they pay me to keep the pizza bar stocked, but the mental health benefits  are an insult when one considers this mandatory yelling each employee is forced to repeat when faced with a Cici's guest whether real or imagined. How can the owners of this mediocre pizza chain expect it's guests and employees alike not to eventually lose it and burn the place down just to end this madness?  Day after day, night after night it's like a bizarre mind-control experience akin to MK Ultra and the whole Manchurian Candidate thing from the 1960's.  I only know that because I heard some random pizza customer mentioned it about ten minutes before he threw Chuck the cashier through the plate glass window three months ago.  Seems like he might have had a point.

So, the next time you come over to Cici's, I'm sure the whole crew will be shouting Hi! Welcome to Cici's!  I just can't promise that someone won't die as a result.

Cody the Convenience Store Clerk-Dog Answers Your Tax Questions!

Feature:  Cody is a convenience store clerk, a dog and a tax expert

Well folks, its that time of year again and I'm back again for a few weeks to run some popular tax questions I have answered from readers just like you. This week we start off a little slow, but tax time is already heating up so get those questions in and I'll help guide you through the tax season and hopefully get you on the right track to the biggest refund you can get! 

Bobby from Wisconsin asks:

My taxes keep getting rejected because they say I have an incorrect social security number.  I have checked with SSA and it is showing correct on their records.  What gives, Cody? Please help!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Bobby, this usually happens when the government is actively working to erase your identity. part of the health care overhaul passed last year has a provision that includes wiping out 20% or more of the us population from government databases. this is being done in order to control future health care costs and medicare payments to people by simply denying their existence in the first place. seems to be working so far.. it happened to my brother in law...wait a second. I don't HAVE a brother in law...

Julia from Oklahoma asks:

Will Oklahoma allow e-file if I have a 5405 form?
_________________________________________________________________________________
Julia, instead of waiting in limbo you should take a risk and live dangerously. When you look back on your life when you're old and gray, don't you want to be able to say that you took the chance and e-filed even though you weren't sure about the 5405 form?

 Frank from Texas asks:


I used a popular online software to help me with my taxes this year.  I don't have any dependents, but I read something on the site that said I could still get a refund if I didn't make a lot this past year. I think I hit the dependent option because now it won't let me file without some form for dependents and I can't think of a child's name to put on the form so I can get my money.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Frank, the best choice is to just go back and restart your return in order to clear the error.. if you cannot resolve: just skip your taxes this year.. it's probably more trouble that it's worth.. just have a beer and don't worry about it until 2012..if anyone from the government comes knocking at your door, just tell them you are dead.


Mary from California asks:

I am getting this form on the error check. I didn't put in anywhere that I even adopted a child. It won't come off and I CAN'T delete the form from the homepage as it says there is no form. Please help!!
__________________________________________________________________________________

Congratulations. you are the lucky recipient of an orphaned 6 year old from Kenya. He will be arriving via UPS within the next four to six weeks.




That's it for this week, but keep those questions rolling in! As always, remember:  It's Not What the Government Knows, It's What It Can Prove.  Woof.

You're at Target? Thanks for Rubbing It In, By Shawn Hollings

GUEST EDITORIAL:  Shawn Hollings is a paraplegic former carpet salesman and one of your Facebook friends.

So, I noticed from your status update that you're at Target again.  Great. Thanks for rubbing it in.  You know, it's not like I'm totally devoid of emotion. Cut me and I bleed, punch me and I bruise. It just seems like you are so busy living your life that you aren't even conscious about the feelings of certain people around you, especially your paraplegic Facebook friends.

Using your hot, new Android-powered 4G network cell phone to notify me of such a thing is just hurtful and mean.  Don't you think I would like to have a cell phone like that?  Since I lost the use of my legs three months ago, I've had to give up many of the trappings I use to have like cell phones and walking.  My medical bills are ridiculous and I barely have enough left over from my disability check to buy Ramen noodles for the family.  I'm lucky if I don't lose my house, let alone holding on to funds to spend on high dollar electronics.  Things get worse each day and my relationship with my wife is deteriorating.  Last night I told her just to leave me here on the floor, take the kids and never come back.  I can't feel anything from my waist down for craps-sake. Given my current circumstances, I would think you would have more class.  So, here I sit alone and sobbing quietly, having just cashed my last unemployment check. The next thing I see is you flaunting your current location. Now with little hope left, I just want to end the pain once and for all. Not in a million years would I have wanted to believe it, but you really are a heartless bastard. I hope you're happy.

You know, it wasn't so long ago that I was like you.  Going to Target on a whim. Buying things and doing stuff while eating a delicious bag of popcorn and sharing an Icee with the wife. Sometimes we would spend countless hours seeking out the best deals on clothing or DVD's or whatever we wanted. My family would hobnob with Harlingen's finest residents and countless meaningful conversations were had.  It seemed that the world was our oyster and we were free to take advantage of everything Target had to offer.  It was ours for the taking, but now those memories only serve as a painful reminder of the harsh reality I am faced with day after day.  I lie awake most nights now considering all the quality Market Pantry brand foods I no longer have access to and how the store always smelled of Starbucks when I walked through those automatic doors with a spring in my step and a tune on my lips.  No more.

So the next time you go to Target or anywhere else for that matter, keep it to yourself.  Otherwise, my death will be on your head.

Local Discounter Finds Success with Innovative Product Placement

HARLINGEN, TX -

Sandy Cardenas, a recently hired employee at the local 99 Cents Only Store, thoughtfully stocked both condoms and home pregnancy test kits next to each other on the impulse purchase shelf next to her register yesterday.  The move was the most recent example of the innovative product placement featured at the business.

"Realizing where I work, it seemed like a good idea," Cardenas said of her decision.  "I figure anyone who comes in here only willing to shell out less than a dollar for condoms better have ready access to a pregnancy test as well. It seemed logical."  In fact, such self-direction is what the 99 Cents Only Store encourages of its employees.  Store manager, Mark Burnett explains.  "With our mix of low priced items mostly featuring poor quality and continued existence well past the expiration date, it is our mission to look out for our core customer's potential next need while they are still in the store.  This way, not only can we increase sales, but also cover all the bases." 

Burnett is visibly proud that his company allows him and his crew the freedom to experiment.  "Corporate gives us a lot of latitude as to where to put things.  Some people may think it flies in the face of retailing to put an entire case of an off brand 99 cent version of Pepto Bismol in the candy isle, but if you knew how old those chocolate bars are you would admit that it makes total sense."  Burnett said. "Plus the customer will already know exactly where to look when they come running back into the store later with debilitating intestinal distress."

"One idea we came up with was to position the discount phone cards close to our deli section," Burnett continued.  "At first glace it might not look practical, but at only 9.9 cents per minute, we save customers scads of money on those inevitable calls down to the Harlingen Free Clinic's Poison Center. We try to be creative and have fun with what we do."  Certainly, Burnett and his team have numerous examples to cite when it comes to helping the local store maintain its profit margin while serving those of lesser means within the shopping public .  "For example, during the holidays we were having trouble moving our cheap, dangerous toys, so we all got together to brainstorm about it. One of our cashiers, Sherry [Newman] recommended that we put up a large, colorful sign highlighting the sharp edges and high lead content as a special feature available exclusively at the 99 Cents Only Store," Burnett fondly remembers.  "So, we did it and within three hours we were completely out of toys.  It worked so well in fact, we ordered as many as we could get from the warehouse just to satisfy demand."  Burnett's staff learned a powerful lesson that day.  "Our customer base will buy anything if it's under a dollar and it's somehow 'Special' or 'Limited' even if that product could obviously cause bodily harm. It's Amazing," Burnett said.  The high volume of band-aids, Mexican Neosporin and lead testing kits that sold within a few days after the promotion was also remarkable, Burnett recalled.  "It was no less than totally awesome. It's like constantly beating your dog for no reason and it still keeps coming back. I have to say that I am totally stoked about the promotional ideas we have on deck for the shipment of radioactive chapstick we'll be promoting next month. I love this business." 

A quick tour of the store also uncovers other thoughtful combinations of products,  all featuring some kind of first aid-related item in close proximity: 99 cent circular saw blades with head wound ointment and eye patches, 99 cent t-shirts promoted in stacks along side skin rash cream and pocket-sized fire extinguishers, and even stylish Deadly-Do Not Eat signs stacked in a visually appealing way adjacent to the produce section with bottles of Ipecac interspersed throughout. Dozens more examples abound.

Of his success, Burnett is quick to give the credit to his workers and customers alike.  "Of my people I can only say this," Burnett said. "We could never succeed without their dedication and exchange of ideas. More importantly, its those customers that keep coming in day after day that continually surprise and delight us both with their iron constitutions and lack of disposable income. We are number one in our region this year.  I'm so proud."

Just So You Aren't Surprised When the Cops Arrest Me, I'm a Serial Killer, by Bobby Lee Stevens

Guest Editorial:  Bobby Lee Stevens is the manager for a local discount store,  part time children's entertainer and a wanted serial killer in three states.

Hi there.  It's Bobby from down the street. How have you been doing?  Work been treating you okay lately? That's good.  Hope the knee is feeling better after that racquetball game we played a couple of months ago.  It is?  Awesome.  I heard that your daughter is taking karate lessons and your wife mentioned the other day that you had some family down from Chicago last weekend to visit.  That's nice.

Hey, you know we've been neighbors now for almost four years now and I feel like we get along pretty well. We've shared more than one barbecue together and drank our share of beers in your driveway. I especially remember that time I ran out of gas about a block from home and you drove by, saw me there and offered to go get a gallon of go-juice from the Circle K so I could get back to the house.  You did that for me and I was grateful. No matter the circumstances, I can always count on you to be there to pick up the paper and the mail when I'm out of town and keep an eye on my place.  I'd say that out of everyone on the block that I know, I'd call you my closest neighbor.  You know what I mean?  Well, not physically anyway.  I do live seven houses down, but you understand right?  Super. That's pretty much why I wanted you to know that when the cops finally come breaking down my door to arrest me for murdering and dismembering 17 people you won't be surprised to find out that I'm a serial killer.

From your expression, I can tell you are stunned and sort of hoping that I am just joking around.  I had a feeling this would happen.  Hey, where are you going?  Don't run away!  This won't take but a minute, I promise.  Look, this is really hard for me to tell you because I consider you a good friend, okay?  I have been working up the courage to come over here for two days.  Listen, I'm not armed or anything so just please just hear me out and I'll go.  Whatever the case, I really hope we can still go work out next Tuesday at the gym. I hear they got the new stair master in last week. Is it a deal? Great. All right, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, I was telling you how I sneak up behind people and strangle them with piano wire until they stop moving.

See, it's not that I didn't want to try and keep it a secret. I think I've been doing a great job of it up to now.  I keep up my yard.  I'm social. I'm even a highly respected member of the Optimist Club here in town for God's sake.  I make lots of meaningful contacts with parents and kids through my side business as a clown. Go to church on Sunday. Hell, I've even bought 50 bucks worth of Girl Scout cookies from your kids even though I'm diabetic and had to throw all of them in the trash.  Everything I've tried to do is what you would think a nice, sane and normal person would do.  I go out of my way to be nice to puppies and kittens, donate to the food bank and have sponsored the Dollar Store little league team for three years running. I certainly have given no one any reason to suspect my lust for taking lives in gruesome ways scarcely imaginable.  I guess that's why I felt obligated to go ahead and let you know about my dark side.  Not to scare you, but more to save you from the shock of finding out on the nightly news the day I get carted away by the police. I care about you that much. Why are you shaking? Are you cold? Here take my jacket.

You see, my concern is all those other serial killer neighbors you see on TV.  They always say without fail that 'he seemed normal' or 'I can't believe we're talking about the same person' or even 'he was just in my house last weekend'.  That's my point, really. I feel close enough to you to tell you the truth so you and I can work past it and be prepared for those nosy reporters when the come knocking. It's probably better that you know now that I shower with the blood of my victims on nights when the moon is full and keep the toes and fingers of those I have helped to die in a cedar chest in my basement.  You remember that chest?  The one you said you though looked nice that one time last summer? Yep, there are body parts in it. See, you would have never guessed.  Some people suffer from some kind of traumatic syndrome if their cable goes off the air let alone finding out that the neighbor they had over for lasagna last month prefers the taste of warm, human flesh instead. Let's just say I didn't want to take any chances.

So, we're cool right?  Why aren't you saying anything?  You don't look so good. Let me help you into your house so you can lie down for a minute.  Gosh, I sure hope you're not catching the flu.  Hey, since I'm here would you mind if I stayed for dinner? Whatever your wife is cooking smells great.

Alabama to Take Delivery of Special Version Apple IPAD

Montgomery, AL-

Governor Robert J. Bentley (R) achieved a milestone this week when he confirmed that Apple, Inc. the company responsible for such ubiquitous devices like the Ipod and Iphone would produce a special version of it's hugely popular Ipad mobile computing device designed specifically for use by residents of his state.

Surrounded by his staff and legislators, Bentley made the news public on the capitol steps.  "After months of working closely with Apple, I can now proudly announce that we Alabamians will now be able to take part in the mobile electronics revolution!  Apple has really come through for us and for that, we are eternally grateful," Bentley said. "While so many others cast our needs aside, Apple took the time to understand our people and closely considered their capabilities as well as their limitations. God bless you,  Steve Jobs. May you live to be a thousand years old."

Details about the special version Ipad are still sketchy since the product specifications have been kept top secret from all but a select few.  The first shipment of the custom device is not expected for about two weeks, but some basic information has been leaked in recent days.  An anonymous source within the governor's office confirmed on Wednesday that this particular Ipad will utilize solar power instead of battery power - a feature not even considered as feasible for the traditional version.  The source also confirmed that it will be lighter, much more portable and will not require a long learning curve.  "From what I was told, even a child will be able to pick it up and begin using it within seconds, as long as the user is standing under the sun or near a strong light source. I've also been advised that it is even capable of being stored in a shirt pocket. How do you like that regular Ipad owners?  Ha!"  As for the intense fanfare generated since the announcement, "I haven't seen this much excitement since 1994 when the state finally repealed the law against marrying your sister," the source concluded.

Headache and Pain Center Really Living Up to Name

MISSION, TX -



The Headache and Pain Center is certainly living up to it's name this week for a local health plan employee thanks to a breakdown in relations that has lead to bitterness, frustration and outright disdain for the pain management practice.

The irony was not lost on Delia Ruiz, provider representative for Bravo Health Care as numerous attempts to assist the medical office employees with supposed prior authorization entanglements led nowhere. "I have always had at least a decent relationship with those people, but lately everyone over there are acting like total jerks," Ruiz said.

"Despite my best efforts, the girls working in the billing department just don't get it.  How many times do I have to tell them that we cannot approve services without obtaining Forms 838, 993 and S119 along with a list of CPT codes involved as a result of the initial diagnosis first?" Ruiz asked rhetorically.  "Are they stupid? We already went over this crap a million times.  It's not my fault if their brains don't function normally."

Signs that trouble was brewing have been building for weeks as Ruiz' working relationship with office personnel has deteriorated thanks to key staff turnover at the local pain center.  "Once I called over there to see how things were going and I was told that Debbie left to go work for another doctor," Ruiz remembers.  "I tried to set up a meeting with her replacement only to be told that the Headache and Pain Center wasn't even a provider with our plan.  They've been contracted for six years!  I have to say that Debbie was probably smart for leaving that circus, but she was the only one who was ever seriously committed to our processes."

The situation has left Ruiz with little recourse.  "I'm going to have to fight to train all these barely educated knuckle-draggers all over again even though most have already attended our provider training at least twice already.  Without Debbie to keep everyone in line, it's like I was never there in the first place," Ruiz fumed. "I found out that her replacement is like, the doctor's brother in-law or something so right off the bat you know that I'm totally screwed.  Everyone knows that once family members get involved in the day to day operations of a medical practice, you can just toss any hope of compliance out the window.  This sucks."

Ruiz grudgingly concedes that since the Headache and Pain Center is the only pain management provider in the area, that she'll have little choice but to deal with the situation.  "I suppose I'll have to just soldier on somehow, but it won't happen without taking its toll on me physically," Ruiz said with an exasperated look.  "As a matter of fact, I have an appointment with my family physician this afternoon and I'm going to demand a handful of dihydromorphinone or at the very least a few hits of Percocet.  It's the only way I'm going to make it through the next few days. With my luck though, I'll just bet he's going to refer me over to the Headache and Pain Center for treatment."

Local Man to Add Meat

HARLINGEN, TX -

Taking his direction from the front of a box of Pasta Roni, 73 year-old area resident Burt Myers will enthusiastically comply and add meat to the contents of the $1.29 package of Parmesan cheese-flavored noodles and seasoning tonight.

Mr. Myers has a long and storied history of taking the advice of labels presented on products and is proud of blindly following the recommendations he encounters regularly without question or hesitation. 

"I believe it is a very important element of managing my life by doing whatever is printed on the products I buy. Whether that be a box of noodles or a bottle of shampoo. It's how I stay centered. If it wasn't for my benefit, why would they put those words there in the first place?"  Myers said.  "If a box tells me to add meat, by God I'm going to add meat.  If it says, lather-rinse-repeat I'm going to follow through until the entire bottle is empty.  End of story." 

Thanks to the thoughtful placement of suggestions on products, Myers  feels that he has lived a richer, more meaningful life in which he has been allowed to be freed from many decisions he would have otherwise had to make on his own. "These product manufacturers understand my needs," Myers concludes. "I can't imagine what a shambles things would be for me if I was forced to stand over my stove and ponder my choices.  I don't like to think about it."

Plans have already been made to add chicken tomorrow night as directed by another box of Pasta Roni.

One Minute Movie Reviews: Tron, by Tab Lazenby

Tab here again folks.  With all the lame movies that have come out lately, I've been contemplating suicide, but my duty to you fine people won out so even though it's a bit late in coming here's my latest review for the suckfest that is: Tron Legacy.

This cinematic abortion-gone-horribly-wrong is a so-called 'sequel' of the innovative original 1982 Disney flick that was heralded as being the first movie to be made with considerable computer graphics.  Hell, at 12 years old even I knew it was groundbreaking even if the original storyline sucked.Tron Legacy, however can be best compared to having your neighbor's retarded cousin show up to molest your cat at 2am; unwelcome, but strangely amusing and so bizarre you can't help but watch in disbelief... for two hours. Like your cat, you will immediately require some kind of counseling.

Jeff 'The Dude' Bridges and that other guy from Scarecrow and Mrs. King reprise their roles (tiredly) with the major addition of Sam, the pivotal  27 year old son of Bridge's character played by some random actor guy that looked like something the Disney Child Actor Machine could have once vomited up.   I don't want to blow your mind with all the logic problems, glaring inaccuracies or countless holes the story falls into every five minutes.  Let me just say that this movie is best viewed while high on Oxycontin. The techno-jargon involved with the movie is nonsensical and mind-numbing to the point that even the bad-assed soundtrack by Daft Punk couldn't save it as well.  I was amazed by one aspect of the movie, however: it has no plot.  Almost all movies at least have some linear idea, but this one is devoid of anything. Any attempt to describe why everything was happening would be a pointless exercise in frustration since you can tell within three minutes that even the committee of fools that wrote this drivel had no idea what this train wreck was supposed to end up being either.  If you don't think I'm serious, go ahead and ask anyone who has seen this to describe it then watch their head explode after about five seconds. 

I guess if I really had to try and sum it up I'd have to simply say that there are tons of cool computer effects strategically designed to try and disguise this huge mess as being somehow relevant.  There are lots of people running around pretending to be computer programs doing stuff and fighting against this other computer program that looks like a young Jeff Bridges. People wear clothes with blue lights on them, drive around on computer motorcycles and electronic whirly-birds that kill.  Everybody dies. The End. (Head explodes).

4 Thumbs Down.

Tab Lazenby is the movie critic for The Artichoke Daily News

Since You Bought That Used Kia, You've Changed, by Matthew Magee

Guest Editorial:  Matthew Magee is a senior at Harlingen High School

I'm not sure why things have to be different now, but they clearly are.  You and I have known each other since we were in 5th grade and I consider our friendship to be one of the best parts of my life.  We enjoy the same music, like to go fishing in the Bay and have spent nearly every weekend doing stuff together for as long as I can remember. I even took your sister to the junior prom last year because you asked me to.  You are my best friend in the world.  That's why this pains me to have to be the one to say this Dave, but ever since you bought that used Kia, you've changed.

When you first told me that your dad had offered to loan you $500 to help you buy your first car, I was excited for you.  Sure, maybe I was a little jealous since you have a mom and dad who have stayed together and I never even knew my father, but it was cool. Money has always been tight with me and my mom, but you were getting yours and that's what mattered to me.  I remember the first day six months ago that you and I went checking out the used car places over on Sunshine Strip and Commerce streets looking for just the right sweet ride to begin our new adventure.  Soon there would be no more bumming rides for us and no more having to ask your mom to borrow the minivan on Friday night's to cruise around. That's what it was all about.  Freedom.  No matter what, I knew I would be right there with you.  At least that's what I had hoped even thought I suppose in retrospect I should have known better.  I feel so stupid now.  I should have seen this coming.

So, there we were that one rainy Wednesday afternoon at Tiger Motors.  You signed on the dotted line, handed over the cash and that would be the beginning of the end for both of us.  Had I known what was in store, I would have certainly intervened and tried to stop you. At first everything seemed great.  The next two weeks were great and you and I drove the wheels off that Kia. We were like Butch and Sundance; we took trips to the beach and cruised all over the Valley.  Life was great, but soon enough things began to change between us and there was nothing I could do to keep it from happening. 

Gradually over the next several weeks, you started using words like 'responsibility' and 'job' and the nightmare began to unfold.  I would call your house on Friday nights to hook up and go cruise, but your mom would tell me that you were 'running errands' for her or 'had to drive grandma to dialysis'.  What the hell man?  I thought you and I had something special.  A kind of friendship that was rare and beautiful and now you are filling up your life with other activities that makes our relationship look second rate.  I just don't understand why using your time and your car to drive your cousin to see his parole officer in San Antonio takes precedence over me needing to make a beer run into Mexico. Aren't we friends anymore?  What have I done to deserve your derision? You are breaking my heart, Dave.

Now, instead of doing something fun I am sitting here writing this on a sunny Saturday afternoon when I could be surfing.  Sadly, it seems that my chances of going to the beach are nil since you are picking up your uncle from the airport you soulless jerk.

France Really Ticked Off That Nobody is Speaking French

Now, now. He/she probably just didn't know any better. French teachers lead such empty lives as it is that no one has the heart to tell them the awful truth, which is that French is a language on the way down, not up.

Once the language of diplomacy, French was used in the royal courts of Germany, Russia, and Italy during the 19th century. Fifty years ago Somerset Maugham called it "the common language of educated men" (women too, one presumes). But it's been in a state of decline since World War II, having long ago been supplanted by--you guessed it--English.

English is the primary language of more than 400 million people and is the second language of hundreds of millions more. It's essential in science, technology, economics, and finance. It's the official language of airport control towers, might as well be the official language of computer software, and of course is vital to a perfect comprehension of MTV, Madonna, and other pillars of modern culture. French is the primary language of maybe 114 million, including such outposts of world commerce as Haiti, Cameroon, and Burkina Faso, and is essential chiefly to reading menus at Le Cirque.

The French have been desperately attempting to reverse this trend. In addition to hosting international conferences of "Francophone" (French-speaking) nations, France as of 1986 was spending $750 million per year to support 20,000 French teachers in 155 countries. It also employs language police to guard against un-Gallic intrusions such as le compact-disc. But all in vain.

Not that French doesn't have its uses. Au contraire. It remains the language of international pretension par excellence, having a certain je ne sais quoi that appeals irresistibly to the nouveaux riches. Also, let's face it, je t'aime sounds infinitely classier than "luv ya, babe." But French is more likely to come in handy in the intimate hours after the business meeting than during.

Ordination of Local Man Offers Opportunities, New Business Cards

HARLINGEN, TX -

People close to a local man have expressed their fear that the start of the 'End Times' as prophesied in the bible and other religious texts has occurred thanks to the man's application for and subsequent ordination as a minister by the Universal Life Church.  Despite these assertions however, the man sees his good fortune as a sign of awesome new opportunities and business cards, not necessarily as a harbinger of impending judgment for all mankind.

Fate first led the man to seek ordination while at work where he accidentally discovered on Wikipedia that Sheryl Crow was one of many famous people who was a minister with the Church. Intrigued and especially bored with performing any tasks related to the job he was hired to do, he searched on and learned of the Church's almost universal ordination of any applicant. Feeling that he had nothing to lose and enticed with the potential to add Rev. to his name, the five-minute online questionnaire was completed, submitted and then just as quickly forgotten.

Some weeks later, the man received a confirmation email from the Church to expect his credentials within the next few days.  With joy, he immediately began advising close friends and family that he would soon be able to perform marriages, oversee pet funerals, regular funerals and administer confession.  He went a step further by offering these services for an amazing low price of $5.00 each or five for $20.00. Preparation for the man's new role as spiritual guide and shepherd to the masses took precedence to everything else and he began to use of phrases like 'yes, my son' and 'I shall smite thee' multiple times per day. Countless hours were also dedicated to the repeated watching of 'religious' movies such as The Ten Commandments, Oh God, Oh God Book II, and All Dogs Go to Heaven.  An attempt to learn 'killer' speaking and motivational skills from the likes of Joel Osteen was also made, however he changed the channel back to Law and Order SVU after about four minutes.

The unceremonious beginning of the man's tenure as 'most reverend' took place in front of the man's mailbox yesterday when he opened a nondescript white envelope notifying him of his status. Later that same day, the man launched the web site, Absolutions-R-us.Com to help promote his new capabilities.  One gig has already been booked in advance thanks to the man's 7 year old daughter who prepaid $5.00 for the burial services of Ralph, the family's pet hamster (for whenever it dies).

Area Man Fondly Remembers His Best Hair Day Ever

HARLINGEN, TX -

A 39 year old local man who had at one time tried in vain to recapture a wondrous day of awesome hair, sat quietly on the sofa in his living room today fondly remembering what he was certain was his best hair day ever; a day that came with a dangerously high price.

With styling brush in hand, the man mused to no one in particular about how on April 4, 2002 he had glanced into his rear view mirror and saw the look that he had been working toward his entire life.

Equally stunned and amazed at the vision reflecting back, he had hastily written down as much detail as he could recall about the shampoo and conditioner used that morning as well as the drying procedure.  A minute by minute list of activities was also recorded to allow for variables that may have contributed to the shape, texture, body and bounce of his hair up to that exact second. With the list in hand, he felt confident that he had unlocked the mystery of his hair and that his life was about to change in ways that he could have never expected.

As the tale goes, the excitement was beyond compare the next day as he meticulously repeated each step as from the day before: lather-rinse-repeat, Twizzlers and bacon for breakfast,  left shoe on first, he even made sure to stick his head out the window on the way to work.  Sadly, his hair was not cooperating.  Before long it became apparent that, despite his best efforts, he would be unable to duplicate the same hair he had witnessed the day before. He was crushed and withdrawn for days afterward spending hours curled up in a fetal position in bed refusing to speak to anyone. The failure to recreate the sought after do sent him into a fit of denial and ended up leading to a haircare binge that lasted for what seemed like forever. He allowed himself to fall prey to a Just-A-Cut employee's sultry sales pitch at least a dozen times which resulted in the purchase of expensive, unnecessary products that he could ill afford and nights after work he also found himself driving by hair salons that weren't on the way home sometimes circling the block multiple times.  Eventually he was able to come to terms with the loss after several family interventions and completion of a 12 step program.  Thankfully, he was able to put the entire ordeal behind him.

Now more than 8 years later, he hangs on to that memory smiling slightly as he runs his fingers through the unruly mass that now occupies his head. He offers to retell the story to anyone who will listen and still dreams that someday chance will again look favorably upon his scalp.

Local Cat Forecast: Extremely Lazy With a 90% Chance of Hairball

This is your 24 hour cat forecast for: Harlingen, TX

Predicted is widespread laziness tonight and into tomorrow with a significant chance of hairball tomorrow afternoon. Things will start to get frisky around sunset tomorrow night, but should start to calm down and return to sheer laziness by midnight.  Some light meowing should be expected on and off throughout the day tomorrow.

Turbo Sticker Not Fooling Anyone

HARLINGEN, TX -

A silver, plastic 'Turbo' badge purchased from the Wal Mart automotive department by a local man nearly a year ago is still not fooling anyone, witnesses report.

Andrew Sherman the owner of a white, 2004 Hyundai Elantra originally obtained the badge for three dollars from a clearance shelf citing the potential coolness factor and the idea that few people that ended up behind him in traffic would know that Hyundai has never built a turbo model Elantra.  Additionally, he continues to believe that somehow he is looked upon by random strangers as being a 'hip and with-it dude' for having a supposed Turbo-enhanced Elantra, an assertion that is completely baseless, unrealistic and absolutely ridiculous, according to a recent survey..

Sherman has on many occasions driven the Elantra at speeds of more than 90mph on the expressway, punched the gas pedal when taking off from traffic lights and has even performed dangerous stunts in the car through school zones all with the idea that he needs to live up to the Turbo badge's promise.  Thus far his efforts have been fruitless as a poll taken this week of people who have seen his car will attest. In fact, of the 11 people who have ever actually taken any sort of notice of the Turbo badge, not one fell for the lie believing instead that [Sherman] is a sad little man who likes to waste money and has way to much time on his hands and probably has never known the touch of a woman. The opinions of those surveyed seem to bear out since Sherman readily admits that he drove 8 miles in a special trip to Wal Mart specifically for the badge and used the last three dollars in his daughter's piggy bank to fund the purchase.

Regardless of the facts, Sherman clearly needs the badge to help support his delusions and to fulfill some other and as yet unknown personal need for attention.  It was also learned recently that plans are being made to buy a "5.0" sticker soon from his neighborhood AutoZone.

Hello Kitty Jam Box Saves the Day

HARLINGEN, TX -

A Harlingen High School dance camp performance was saved Saturday morning by a Hello Kitty jam box when the $62,000 custom Mitsubishi 10,000 watt XB8000 20.1 sound system normally used to play music during the Bright Star dance team performances unexpectedly failed right before the finale.

Parents had begun gathering nearly an hour earlier to grab the best seats to watch daughters ages 5 to 8 show off the skills they had learned during the three-hour camp led by the Bright Stars. Excitement was the in the air and anticipation built to a fever pitch as the time grew closer to unleash the power of the Mitsubishi.  The crowd then erupted in cheers and applause as the first of many popular tracks exploded from the monolithic towers of sound as the girls shucked and jived their way across the wooden gym floor.

The Mitsubishi sound system is the only one of its kind within 500 miles of Harlingen and the only one to be installed in a public school in the entire United States after an anonymous grant from a private individual last year made the purchase possible.  Considered an amazing piece of technology by any measure, witnesses were blown away at the bass response as the program thundered to life with an extended mega mix version of Madonna's "Vogue" followed by Lady Gaga's "Alejandro".  Booming sound waves nearly shook the fillings out of teeth and at least one man's eyes welled up with tears at the awesome range that the enormous 7 foot tall speakers provided. Some said later on that it was as close to a religious experience as they had ever had and were seen crossing themselves repeatedly.

The exhibition was to be topped off with a stunning finale featuring the Bright Stars dance team, a group of seasoned, award-winning Harlingen high school dancers, but shortly before their routine was about to kick off an unknown malfunction with the system caused the entire exposition to crash to an absolute standstill.  Due to the complex nature of the XB8000, it quickly became obvious that there was no hope in diagnosing the cause of the failure by school staff.  Thanks to some quick action however, all was not lost.

A 25 watt Hello Kitty jam box was hastily produced from a dirty gym bag laying close by and plugged into the nearest power outlet.  CD inserted and volume cranked, a far-away and tinny sounding version of what may have been the Black Eyed Peas famous single "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" squeaked forth from the $19.99 noise-making machine as the girls began what was to have been a performance that brought the house down.  Despite the excellent effort by the Bright Stars that ensued, the crowd had grown uncomfortably quiet and the smell of despair hung thickly in the air.  The sound of sobbing echoed throughout the gym and it seemed that without the Mitsubishi, any reason to care about the event had been lost entirely.

Once the finale had come to a merciful end, a random moment of half-hearted clapping followed. The crowd then began to break up, making their way down from the bleachers and out of the school with heads hung low and devoid of any facial expression.  There would be no smiling or celebration as they shuffled back to their cars with their children in tow only to drive away in a somber procession with their headlights on.

Don't Blame Yourself. It's Not Your Fault, by Jacob Miller

GUEST EDITORIAL:  Jacob Miller is a waiter at the Harlingen Olive Garden

I know it was embarrassing, but I don't think less of you for failing to abduct me last night. Maybe it was your first time. Perhaps you were homesick and missing your family an extra big amount.  Perhaps you were just tired. Whatever the case, please don't blame yourself.  I want you to know that it's not your fault.

No doubt your alien race probably had to travel hundreds of light years just to get here to begin with. That's quite a hike no matter which galaxy you’re from and who knows the kind of time and planning you had to put together for the journey. Maybe you didn't even want to come to this planet in the first place and were forced into it because it was your turn to look for specimens to use as hosts for your alien-human crossbreeding experiments. I'll bet you find turning cows inside out and making crop circles tedious and unimaginative. Plus, you couldn't expect a regular human to be considerate of your feelings outright. I mean, how could we? Seems to me that your huge gray head, tiny body and over sized black, lidless eyes might give most people the wrong impression. We don't even know each other or speak the same language but I am sensitive enough to tell there's more to you than just what's on the surface and I understand.

The night you tried to take me, I could tell immediately that you weren't really cut out for the whole abduction business anyway. I could sense that your heart wasn't in it (if your species have hearts) because from the very beginning you weren't too rough or overly aggressive when you tried to drag me out of my car on that dark, deserted farm road near the dog track. Even before that, I saw how sensitive you were to the human aversion to bright light the way you avoided shining those pulsating blue beams directly into my eyes as you landed your flying saucer in the middle of the road. You also seemed to give up very easily after my kick to your face and as I screamed like an 8 year old girl. After you tore yourself loose from me as I bit your thin, gray arm I watched as you ran away back to your ship making some kind of squealing noise and immediately felt sorry that we had gotten off to such a bad start. Sadly, before I could get my handgun out of the glove compartment to show you that I meant no harm, you had already sped off in your ship and left for parts unknown.

My lingering wish is that you don't feel bad that it didn't work out. Whatever the reason for your failure to abduct me, it is my sincerest hope that this evening will bring with it the promise of endless possibilities of people to take and do stuff to. My best advice is that you just remember to be yourself, have a can-do attitude and never give up.  Who knows? With enough practice you might become the best alien abductor from your planet if that's what you want. Live your life the way you want to live it and believe in your potential. Also, don't get caught up in being a conquering alien storm-trooper if what you would really like to do is study art, or learn to play the violin. Do what you want to do.  Follow your dreams and you'll best just fine. The secret is positive thinking. Try self-actualizing; think of yourself as being that which you hope to become and maybe do some yoga or zumba out any stress to some cool dance tracks by Rianna or Jennifer Lopez.

I recommend reading some great books by Wes Hall also.  He's a great motivational speaker-guy who may have a lot to offer.  For that matter, maybe you could abduct him then while you and your friends are probing him anally you can just casually get some expert tips. My brother in law used to work at a convenience store, but after going to one of Wes Hall's seminars on positive thinking he makes more money selling used furniture now than he ever did mopping floors.  So anyway, as awkward as things went this evening I just want to wish you the best of luck with your goals.  Perhaps someday we'll meet again under different circumstances, like maybe at Buffalo Wild Wings on Friday night?  We could share a laugh about this and a couple of 22 ouncers. The even have Blue Moon on tap.